The "Animal" Story

Initially appeared on doktorko.com 3/12/2005.

Some people, despite being brilliant, are still incredibly stupid.

Case in point: back in Medical School, i did a presentation on DYSTOCIA (abnormal labor). I lifted the history off a delivery that i had handled, whipped up some slides, cooked up a spiel, and dished it out to a room full of clerks, one OB consultant, and one first-year OB Resident.

After presenting the H&P;, i was getting into my groove; warming up to the topic, i started my discussion by asking the room, "So what do we know about this ANIMAL called DYSTOCIA?"

The consultant's face darkened. "What did you say?"

Grinning widely at my use of creative metaphor, i repeated what i said.

Consultant, in a gravelly voice: "What ANIMAL?"

I was mystified. "This... animal... DYSTOCIA. Never mind." I then proceeded with the brief discussion that i had outlined the night before. Not a brilliant presentation, but in my opinion, at least halfway adequate.

All this time however, the consultant's face contorted with rage. He opened his mouth and began bombarding me with questions; each query i answered would be confronted with a new one, on and on, at times going off-topic and beyond the scope of my presentation until i had nothing else to say. Then he would let me proceed to my next bullet point - and REPEAT the process. I countered gamely, never losing my grin with each answer i gave (which seemed to infuriate him even more), but of course my meager knowledge was a booger compared to his mental cyclopedia and in the end i was spent and defeated.

At the end of my presentation, he stood up in a huff, and with the righteous indignation of an elephant who has just squashed a gnat, stormed out of the room. The OB Resident shot me a nasty glance and, sniveling, trotted off after her master. I, however, had no idea what just happened.

Light was shed on the matter few days later, when i noticed that i was getting shoddier-than-usual treatment from the OB Residents, who told me in no uncertain terms that i should APOLOGIZE. For what, pray tell? For demeaning a patient and calling her an animal.

Wha-a-a-a-a-t?! WHO called WHO a WHAT?

Clerk chong (that's me) called the patient an animal.

Shortly thereafter, the Clerks' monitor called a meeting to drop not-so-subtle hints about how a certain clerk had made unethical remarks recently and offended the sensibilities of a MORALLY-UPRIGHT consultant. Well, during the meeting i owned up to saying what i said. To which she concluded that i SHOULD go and apologize. To which i replied that the consultant heard wrong and was probably deaf. The room full of clerks agreed and confirmed what i had actually said.

The Resident looked confused. But... you should STILL go and apologize.

Which made absolutely no sense. Not being a subscriber to nonsensical theories, i left the issue for dead and never did become contrite and apologize for something i didn't do. In retrospect, that was probably the reason why they treated me shoddily for the rest of the year, LOL.

It's just incredible that someone who has reached a professional level so lofty as to actually become a GYNECOLOGIC ONCOLOGIST could misunderstand such a basic metaphor. I have the greatest respect for the man's MEDICAL talents (he's a great surgeon with an EXCELLENT knowledge base), but as far as his LITERACY is concerned, he doesn't know beans. In other words, he's just a dumb $h!thead who ab/used his stature to knock down a lowly subordinate because he couldn't understand what he said.

Riddle me this: how could any half-brained person construe what i said to mean that the patient was an animal?

Hayop talaga.