Homesickness, Part 1

Initially appeared on doktorko.com 7/17/2005.

Over this past year, i've had many discussions with different people regarding my plan of eventually going back to the Philippines. Often, these conversations are thrust-parry-thrust situations, with both sides presenting valid arguments; attacking, defending, and riposting deftly with equal skill and fervor.

The naysayers often start out with "Gusto ko talaga bumalik sa Pilipinas, pero..." then proceed to their litany: traffic, pollution, plain inconvenience, and a gajillion other reasons besides. I work my way from the other end, beginning with "[Insert fault here] sa Pilipinas..." and ending with "Pero gusto ko talagang bumalik."

Over time i realized that these arguments can have no reasonable end. I'll never understand what they want me to - because I DON'T WANT TO STAY. In the same vein, they'll never understand what i want them to - because THEY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. Let's break down the arguments and lay the true reasons bare; everything else is just salad dressing. The age-old adage holds true: "Pag gusto, maraming paraan; pag ayaw, maraming dahilan."

Different people work with different paradigms. They can call me stupid; i can call them self-centered. We can argue until our faces turn blue, but in the end we'll have changed nothing and just spewed a whole lot of hot air. People will do what they want, when they want.

The Philippines is a lover calling out to me. I know she's homely, cross-eyed, a little plump, and has crooked teeth. She's also poor as dirt and will probably suck me dry. But it's her tender kisses and caresses that i miss. No one else will do, not even someone richer, prettier, or with straighter teeth. It's not something i expect anyone else to understand, but understand this: i have given her my heart, and i have no intention of taking it back.